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Love Isn’t a Feeling, It’s A Choice

Most singles believe that LOVE is like a light switch where something flicks on, you get an overwhelming sensation, it hits you like a bag of bricks- or cupid’s arrow. It’s when you know that you’ve found the one, right? NOT SO MUCH!

I’ve learned over the past 20 years working with singles that LOVE, in reality, is a series of choices. The choices are based on many factors, including chemistry, values, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want or need etc. Believe me, the lists are endless, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the person. Based on these factors, and the feedback I get back from the couples I set up on first dates they either choose to begin the process to LOVE or not, in that moment. Simply put, we are left with a choice. That is why it’s so difficult. Love requires you to do something. It might mean putting your everchanging, incredibly unpredictable, and extremely unstable wants and emotions aside. If love were simply an emotion, it’d do you no good.

Everyone is worthy of connection. Make it a priority to embrace connecting with others in your dating life in a healthy way. It will become another tool in your pocket for the next time around.

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Getting Matchy-Matchy

It’s a fact we tend to want to fit in with the person we are dating. Sure, we are all unique, but we want to, as a couple, look untied and as if we “fit”.

You confirm to the environment that you’re in – so it’s only natural that when you’re dating someone, even automatically without knowing – you will start to change your style even a bit so that you blend in with them. Its generally not until you look back at old photos or someone makes a comment that you will realize, they’ve actually taken place.

You’re attracted to your partner for a reason and by being in a relationship with them you’re indirectly saying, “I like the way you do things”.  This isn’t restricted to just the wardrobe either.  If your partner is hell bent on curling chances are you’ve given it a go yourself, or at least watched a couple of games. Same goes in the kitchen, you might be great at cooking Asian, so your partner will probably take on some of your techniques.

But by all means if it gets to the point where you have lost your sense of identity, then you have to wonder whether you are taking on theses attributes because you’re a really great couple, or because you want so desperately for the relationship to work.

After all nobody wants to date themselves, that would be boring.

Can you relate?

 

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Everyone Makes Mistakes in Dating

 

How many of you can honestly say they haven’t made a few mistakes when they meet someone new?  Sometimes good people make bad choices.  It doesn’t mean they are bad….it means they are human. You learn from them and go on because a mistake is one thing. A pattern is another.

There are loads of reasons why getting to a 2nd date might not work out. Perhaps you’re just plain old incompatible, or you’re not sure how to avoid falling foul of these oh-so-frequent behaviours we hear from the 1st dates we set up with our clients.

  • Idealizing your date-Do you actually like them, or are you projecting some dreamed-up version of a perfect match? Putting someone on a pedestal is setting them up for failure. No one can live up to an imagined list.
  • Following your Hormones not your heart–We get it-it’s been a long few years of lockdown and you’re feeling frisky, but don’t dive into intimacy too quickly. Hormones and attachment patterns get us in hook, line, and sinker, almost instantly- whether this is a suitable person or not.
  • Failing to see their flaws-This ties in with the first 2 pitfalls- Ask yourself: are you seeing this person through rose-tinted, loved-up glasses? It’s all too easy to fail to check out ( we don’t mean their social media ) if the person is who they say they are and what they want.

We all learn from our ‘mistakes”, sometimes a very painful lesson, especially in dating.

But others judging is their “mistake”.

Do you have a story to share?

 

#findlove  #datingadvice #datingtips #datingcoach #relationshipadvice #okcupid #dating101 #stayconnected #singlestatus #onlinedating #matchmaking #matchmakerforhire #janecarstens  #matchmakervancouver #vancouvermatchmaker

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How to know if/when we are being too hard on ourselves.

I’ve seen it over and over in hundreds of smart, high-achieving singles I speak to and yet today, I still get the same question- “How do I know if or when I’m being too hard on myself when it comes to dating?”.

In working with singles over the last 20 years,  we find most are engaged in what we call “perfectionistic over functioning” – doing MORE than is healthy, appropriate, and necessary, continually moving the goalpost , trying to get an A+ in all of the aspects of dating and exhausting ourselves to the bone in the process and trying to keep up with what you think you “should” be doing.  If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above , it’s safe to say you are being too hard on yourself, it’s not serving you and it’s holding you back.

Simply shifting this mindset can truly expanded your thinking. Strengthen yourself, by building strong boundaries, learn to say “yes” to what you want, and “no” to what is not tolerable or acceptable—like your lives depend on it, because they do.

Do you want help finding and attracting your right partner? Would you like advice from a 20-year matchmaker that has interviewed over thousands of singles and personally helped thousands of clients with their search of finding the right person?

I offer personal coaching services, online dating profile review, and a real “hands on” perspective.

To schedule a call contact [email protected] , I look forward to assisting you.

 

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Single Dad’s ; Spring Break Alert

While Covid has been a good excuse for not meeting up with just anyone, and he’s burnt out from dating apps , yet he’s never down in the dumps because he doesn’t have a partner. He would just love to meet someone who’s active and outdoorsy, and actually interested in him.

He is an amazing single Dad, 6’ in his early 40’s, that is trying to navigate his world running a niche business in Western Canada and raising his boys. For him saving time this March Break for more fun things like snowboarding, hiking, boating, eating out and spontaneous road trips or jumping on a plane almost anywhere – so he’s hired us while he enjoys spring break. 

 If you are open to meeting a real old fashioned valued guy and you’re in your 30’s message us to learn more and a chance to meet him. (In an exclusive way, and at no cost to you) or pass it on to your best girlfriends.

[email protected]

 

 

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Yes, it’s “Spring Break (up)” Season, Baby.

There’s really no great time to do it, unfortunately, one of those break up periods is upon us.  Statistics put together from Facebook data, show 2 big spikes.  One right after Valentine’s Day, but the sharpest increase by far happen in the weeks that lead up to spring break (which officially starts this week). While a March heartbreak on one hand makes sense after cuffing season, there obviously has to be an uncuffing period.

We have seen an uptick in breakups around March and have some theories.  In Spring, we all get this natural boost, and we’re feeling more energetic overall.  This also means we’re more aware of our partner’s more annoying patterns—like when its rainy and dark in winter—we aren’t totally checked in to what’s going on in our lives, including who we are dating.  But as the days get longer, people feel more motivated to tune in and make changes.  Sometimes that means kicking their lover to the curb and getting rid of the person who’s holding you back. However, if you’re the person being broken up with, that isn’t super fun. But in some ways, it’s a good time because singles who have been hibernating throughout the winter are coming out and want to go out and have fun, laughter, and experience new things.

So instead of sobbing into the sleeve of your puffer coat, you can use this time to revaluate – be open and optimistic while dreaming of good weather on a rooftop on a date with a cocktail in hand.

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Be Aware of Fantasy Relationships

Like all people, we are deserving of love and connection. Here are a couple things to keep in mind for anyone wanting to avoid  the so-called, real life  “Tinder Swindler” while navigating the world in today’s dating.

Experiences have taught me that practiced too early on (before trust and a foundation have been established), excessive written contact between a potential partner can fuel the engine of fantasy relationships.  We often fill in the missing spaces and unknowns with our own details. This can lead to feeling letdown when the in-person counterpart fails to match up to whatever idealized version our mind has concocted.  For instance, in writing and on the phone, maybe you bonded over what you thought was a shared passion for dogs.  But then, in person, it becomes apparent that their interest is only passing and half-hearted and that they only volunteered at a shelter once.

It’s human nature to be more likely to think the best about someone and mold them into who we want them to be rather than see them for who they really are.  Do yourself a favour and know that it’s basically a fantasy story that can only backfire for us down  the road.

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How NOT to Burn Out, DATING

 

Born and raised a Toronto girl with nothing more than passion, a computer, a love for the West Coast, and for the last 20 years I have remained insatiably curious about human connections.

 

What makes singles genuinely happy, successful, and fulfilled while searching for the one? It is possible to dream big without running yourself into the ground, while still remaining optimistic, open, and stress-free.

 

Here’s the good news; I’ve learned from personal experience (and by interviewing some great successful singles), that you can accomplish meeting the one—without burning out. As long as you cultivate the right habits and plan of action.

Everyone’s plan will look a little bit different, but there are some things that should definitely be included;

  1. First and foremost, if you are serious (or even potentially serious) about finding the one is to have a clear head and an open heart.
  2. I will not rush it. It is so important to take your time in letting a connection develop and so worth it in the end. Taking things slowly can not only help you avoid mistakes, but it can also vastly improve your dating skills. There is no substitute for short-cuts.
  3. Seek wise counsel. Even if you are approaching dating with an open heart and committed to taking things slowly, you need to hear from people who know you well and who don’t get goosebumps when they hold your dates hand.

 

Well, there you have it; however, this is by no means an exhaustive list.  If you’d like to find a mentor to talk to about these kinds of things and don’t have one, consider reaching out to me. It would be my honor to support you and cheer you on.

 

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Modern Love

 

We have found that it is UNLIKELY that two people would get together to date in today’s world if they had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in common.

In fact, the relationship goals of most of the singles, looking for relationships that we meet, are quite different than those of the past. Although it’s known that skiing, biking, and hiking use to top the list;  now different values and the extremely tough challenges that we have all experienced over the past couple years has become the priority.

One challenge in particular is that singles live in a world where independence and individuality are valued higher than they used to be, which means that sometimes relationships and family become a “back burner” priority.  But it’s never too late to make your relationship a priority.

Here are a few qualities successful singles have in common.

  • Love Unconditionally – always consider your partners feelings, don’t think you can change them, communicate your hopes and dreams with each other.
  • Trust One Another– often there are parts of one’s lives that are separate from each other, avoid trying to control, if jealousy comes up talk about it, and be open and honest about it.
  • They have Things in Common – its important to share taste in movies, music, food, shared values, intellectual interests and/or political views. This way there are at least a few things you enjoy doing together and you always have something to talk about.

 

While it is possible to build a relationship with someone you have a little in common with, too. Over time, chances are you’ll discover, learn , and try more things that you can both enjoy and share together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The February that changed my career—and life.

Most singles love January – they think it’s a time for a new beginning, and to refresh and reset their love lives. Yet, some people like May, when the first signs of summer start and everything feels easy again.

For Matchmakers its February.  It’s always been a fabulous month for us and the month where singles make new things happen.  As a Matchmaker , I’ve been writing blogs about how January is a great time to assess your situation, review you love plans, and kick start the year dating in a positive way.  But for those of you who know me you’ll know that I’m also very firm about one thing: If you don’t get to something in January, that’s no reason to give up.  That’s why I look at January as a warmup and February as the time to truly make things happen.

On a personal note, February has been something of a lucky month for me–20 years ago, in February 2002, I was on a flight from Toronto to Vancouver. Making a big, life-changing decision to leave my corporate job,  picked up my life and moved across the country to start a business in Matchmaking. I was ready to move on and move forward.  I couldn’t wait to hop off the plane and start strategizing.

Fast forward to February 2022, my mission hasn’t changed-  knowing everyone wants love but not everyone can easily find it.  That mission has gotten me out of bed for the last 20 years.

I truly believe, when you are clear about what you want and why you want it, it becomes much easier to keep going and to stay focused, even if it’s taking longer than expected.

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