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Most singles believe that LOVE is like a light switch where something flicks on, you get an overwhelming sensation, it hits you like a bag of bricks- or cupid’s arrow. It’s when you know that you’ve found the one, right? NOT SO MUCH!

I’ve learned over the past 20 years working with singles that LOVE, in reality, is a series of choices. The choices are based on many factors, including chemistry, values, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want or need etc. Believe me, the lists are endless, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the person. Based on these factors, and the feedback I get back from the couples I set up on first dates they either choose to begin the process to LOVE or not, in that moment. Simply put, we are left with a choice. That is why it’s so difficult. Love requires you to do something. It might mean putting your everchanging, incredibly unpredictable, and extremely unstable wants and emotions aside. If love were simply an emotion, it’d do you no good.

Everyone is worthy of connection. Make it a priority to embrace connecting with others in your dating life in a healthy way. It will become another tool in your pocket for the next time around.

 

You miss out 100% on the chances you don’t take. Wayne Gretzky appears to be the earliest attributed source of this particular expression.  It makes sense when you have a goal or a dream, but you don’t take a shot at it, you miss the opportunity to score, to win, or to get what you want.

In dating, despite what singles tell themselves, there really are endless opportunities to find love. Unfortunately , too often they’re missed. In fact, if you ask any Matchmaker today, its precisely because of such lost opportunities and missed connections with singles, that is giving cause to look back and wonder “what if”.  Maybe you just don’t want to—while they have every quality you could ever want in someone, there is value in reflecting a little bit on what exactly was missing.

Moral of the story; As I write this, I regularly wonder of the potential missed connections singles are making. Plain and simple, if you’re skeptical, you’re missing out.

Take a chance—open up to possibility by making yourself available.  You Never know!

 

It’s a fact we tend to want to fit in with the person we are dating. Sure, we are all unique, but we want to, as a couple, look untied and as if we “fit”.

You confirm to the environment that you’re in – so it’s only natural that when you’re dating someone, even automatically without knowing – you will start to change your style even a bit so that you blend in with them. Its generally not until you look back at old photos or someone makes a comment that you will realize, they’ve actually taken place.

You’re attracted to your partner for a reason and by being in a relationship with them you’re indirectly saying, “I like the way you do things”.  This isn’t restricted to just the wardrobe either.  If your partner is hell bent on curling chances are you’ve given it a go yourself, or at least watched a couple of games. Same goes in the kitchen, you might be great at cooking Asian, so your partner will probably take on some of your techniques.

But by all means if it gets to the point where you have lost your sense of identity, then you have to wonder whether you are taking on theses attributes because you’re a really great couple, or because you want so desperately for the relationship to work.

After all nobody wants to date themselves, that would be boring.

Can you relate?

 

 

How many of you can honestly say they haven’t made a few mistakes when they meet someone new?  Sometimes good people make bad choices.  It doesn’t mean they are bad….it means they are human. You learn from them and go on because a mistake is one thing. A pattern is another.

There are loads of reasons why getting to a 2nd date might not work out. Perhaps you’re just plain old incompatible, or you’re not sure how to avoid falling foul of these oh-so-frequent behaviours we hear from the 1st dates we set up with our clients.

  • Idealizing your date-Do you actually like them, or are you projecting some dreamed-up version of a perfect match? Putting someone on a pedestal is setting them up for failure. No one can live up to an imagined list.
  • Following your Hormones not your heartWe get it-it’s been a long few years of lockdown and you’re feeling frisky, but don’t dive into intimacy too quickly. Hormones and attachment patterns get us in hook, line, and sinker, almost instantly- whether this is a suitable person or not.
  • Failing to see their flaws-This ties in with the first 2 pitfalls- Ask yourself: are you seeing this person through rose-tinted, loved-up glasses? It’s all too easy to fail to check out ( we don’t mean their social media ) if the person is who they say they are and what they want.

We all learn from our ‘mistakes”, sometimes a very painful lesson, especially in dating.

But others judging is their “mistake”.

Do you have a story to share?

 

#findlove  #datingadvice #datingtips #datingcoach #relationshipadvice #okcupid #dating101 #stayconnected #singlestatus #onlinedating #matchmaking #matchmakerforhire #janecarstens  #matchmakervancouver #vancouvermatchmaker

I’ve seen it over and over in hundreds of smart, high-achieving singles I speak to and yet today, I still get the same question- “How do I know if or when I’m being too hard on myself when it comes to dating?”.

In working with singles over the last 20 years,  we find most are engaged in what we call “perfectionistic over functioning” – doing MORE than is healthy, appropriate, and necessary, continually moving the goalpost , trying to get an A+ in all of the aspects of dating and exhausting ourselves to the bone in the process and trying to keep up with what you think you “should” be doing.  If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above , it’s safe to say you are being too hard on yourself, it’s not serving you and it’s holding you back.

Simply shifting this mindset can truly expanded your thinking. Strengthen yourself, by building strong boundaries, learn to say “yes” to what you want, and “no” to what is not tolerable or acceptable—like your lives depend on it, because they do.

Do you want help finding and attracting your right partner? Would you like advice from a 20-year matchmaker that has interviewed over thousands of singles and personally helped thousands of clients with their search of finding the right person?

I offer personal coaching services, online dating profile review, and a real “hands on” perspective.

To schedule a call contact [email protected] , I look forward to assisting you.

 

There’s really no great time to do it, unfortunately, one of those break up periods is upon us.  Statistics put together from Facebook data, show 2 big spikes.  One right after Valentine’s Day, but the sharpest increase by far happen in the weeks that lead up to spring break (which officially starts this week). While a March heartbreak on one hand makes sense after cuffing season, there obviously has to be an uncuffing period.

We have seen an uptick in breakups around March and have some theories.  In Spring, we all get this natural boost, and we’re feeling more energetic overall.  This also means we’re more aware of our partner’s more annoying patterns—like when its rainy and dark in winter—we aren’t totally checked in to what’s going on in our lives, including who we are dating.  But as the days get longer, people feel more motivated to tune in and make changes.  Sometimes that means kicking their lover to the curb and getting rid of the person who’s holding you back. However, if you’re the person being broken up with, that isn’t super fun. But in some ways, it’s a good time because singles who have been hibernating throughout the winter are coming out and want to go out and have fun, laughter, and experience new things.

So instead of sobbing into the sleeve of your puffer coat, you can use this time to revaluate – be open and optimistic while dreaming of good weather on a rooftop on a date with a cocktail in hand.

Like all people, we are deserving of love and connection. Here are a couple things to keep in mind for anyone wanting to avoid  the so-called, real life  Tinder Swindler while navigating the world in today’s dating.

Experiences have taught me that practiced too early on (before trust and a foundation have been established), excessive written contact between a potential partner can fuel the engine of fantasy relationships.  We often fill in the missing spaces and unknowns with our own details. This can lead to feeling letdown when the in-person counterpart fails to match up to whatever idealized version our mind has concocted.  For instance, in writing and on the phone, maybe you bonded over what you thought was a shared passion for dogs.  But then, in person, it becomes apparent that their interest is only passing and half-hearted and that they only volunteered at a shelter once.

It’s human nature to be more likely to think the best about someone and mold them into who we want them to be rather than see them for who they really are.  Do yourself a favour and know that it’s basically a fantasy story that can only backfire for us down  the road.

For most singles, the New Year is the most proactive season to get out and find love. We all have rituals round many things in our life, and I myself will recommit to conscious eating and more exercise.  This being a seemingly endless season of difficulty and uncertainty for everyone—and yet, as is always the case, singles have never had more of a desire to find love.

So, to mark the passing of 2021 and to ring in 2022, I’m sending you this New Year’s inspired reminder, along with a dating challenge.  Start with an inventory of  lists and in place of resolutions, desire your way into a New Year of dating consciously.

Your challenge:

  1. What parts of dating in the last year worked for you, big or small ?
  2. What did last years dating euphoria leave you yearning for ?
  3. What’s behind you dating anxiety from the most mundane to the dreaded?
  4. What safe dating resources and practices saw you thru that you can rely on in 2022 ?
  5. What would a version of your “wildest dream” date look like, no matter how unrealistic ?

 

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With the new variants and current global climate, we’re in a new stage and phase of dating and there is nothing wrong with you if that’s where your mind is going or if love is what you’re seeking.  We are all trying to get by.

Dating experts and matchmakers- myself included- would advise that it is in every singles best interest to meet a potential match in real life as soon as possible, to avoid wasting your time and emotional energy investing in someone you many not have chemistry with.

For starters, now’s your chance to focus on quality over quantity.  Dating apps have always dictated the more the merrier, and many users are often talking to various people at once, continually looking for the next best thing and moving on to another at the first sign of boredom or doubt. In matchmaking and real life, you allow yourself to open up and engage with one person, dive deeper into less superficial conversations, therefore creating stronger connections, to roll with it and see what can come.

Which brings me to my next point if you’re looking for love: the more that you’re not distracted by dating apps usual fast pace, you can see a missed connection for what it is.  Go with what makes you feel comfortable, and just because you know other singles are hopping on the FaceTime/Zoom/phone call/texting bandwagon, doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.

We have all heard the stories.  First dates costing more than $2000 after spending months of online back and forth messaging, hours of late-night phone calls, and then finally booking a flight and deciding to meet.  Such long-distance romances use to grow out of fateful encounters on holidays, or perhaps far-flung business meetings but today a growing number of cross-border courtships, some owed to an instant message across time zones, is becoming not about what to wear on your date— it’s what to pack!

Statistics show that 52% of Canadian on-line daters have e-mailed someone out of country in the past 30 days.  I have also seen a spike in Matchmaking clients open to long-distance dating; after starting out searching within five miles of their postal code and as they get more comfortable they stop limiting themselves so much and more open to step outside the “border”.

This city’s only so big, and when the girl next door is no longer next door, its nice to open up the possibilities for my clients by working with other accredited “Cupids” from other cities.  This summer I’ve relied on connections with fellow cupids from Seattle, San Fran, San Diego, New York, London UK and of course continue working with my fellow Canadian ones all the way east to Toronto with some great success.

That’s certainly the case for our affiliate Matchmaker friend Ali Migliore of Simply Matchmaking in Seattle.  “There is definitely an infinite number of single people here open to dates from other cities and this summer, I knew I had to connect with Jane about an amazing client I had in Seattle who was open to expanding her search to the Vancouver area.  By us both knowing our clients so well, we were able to come up with a great match and our clients met and both said it was the best match yet! Looking forward to dozens of more potential romances happening with the help of our cross-border cupids at Matchmaker for Hire.”

Of course, expectations are always heightened when a plane fare is actually involved and its easy to feel cheated if the romance doesn’t work out (this kind of dating isn’t for the faint of wallet) – plus there’s added pressure if it does.  But for some, however the distance is a bonus and that not being around someone all the time can be ok if you are just as busy as they are.

So, if your tolerance to being uprooted is increased, let your Matchmaker know.

 

Jane Carstens –Matchmaker for Hire- Western Cda                   

 Ali Migliore – Simply Matchmaking – Seattle