Tag Archive for: #janecarstens

 

When you first start dating someone, it can be exciting to discover that you have a lot in common.

CS LEWIS says Friendships start with the explicit or implicit statement, “you too?”

You love this painting too, you like this music too, you had the same experience with your parents too.  You see relationships start when there’s two people looking at the same thing and they have it in common…… “you too”. And that’s the beginning of a particular kind of relationship intimacy it brings.

However, it is important to be open-minded and accept differences that aren’t deal-breakers.  Being able to appreciate and respect each other’s unique interests, perspectives and backgrounds can take things to the next level.

 

 

 

 

In the present dating society, hardly anyone has time to actually even meet someone, let alone find ways to make the process smooth for you and the people you date. It’s not a one-size-fits-all solution but it can provide a strong foundation for a lasting, meaningful relationship.

There are 3 levels of friendship, and if you get stuck at lower levels it’s going to be a problem, especially for your dating life.

  • The lowest level is friendship of transaction. There is nothing wrong with it — it’s just incomplete. If that’s all you have you will be hopelessly lonely.
  • Above that is friendships of beauty, that are based on admiration of another person. You just want to be around them, they’re magnetic, it could be because of their physical beauty, sense of humor, intelligence, or success, but if that beauty goes away, so does the friendship.
  • The friendship that actually brings satisfaction is called the friendship of virtue…. its cosmically beautifully useless……its one where you have the greatest amount of knowledge about each other, because you’re truly interested in each other, your truly known because you truly want to know, and visa versa, you are loving them for them, and they are loving you for you. It is the hardest, thus why it’s virtuous, and the ultimate secret to the happiest life.

I have noticed that for most of the singles I speak to, including me, surrendering is often the hardest thing to do.  And to be realistic, it’s hard to entirely step away from hustle-culture when you are in a life you are passionate about and a romantic relationship you want to progress in.

Well, that hustle-culture has finally hit dating.  And when things are not going the way, we wanted them to, then we give up.  We think that something is wrong with us or the person we’re meant for or the love we are desiring to find, doesn’t exist.

If this is you, imagine this VALENTINE’S DAY to consider your journey to attracting romantic love. It’s like driving, you’re on a journey and when you meet your love you’ll be excited and know that there will be detours along the way (unfavorable dates, no one calling you back, not asking you out on a second or third date, emotionally unavailable singles, etc.) and that you may have to do things differently than you had preferred, and it may take you longer to get to him/her than you expected but eventually you’ll meet and you’ll be so happy that you didn’t give up.

So, decide that from now on if your dating life is unfolding in a certain way and the only reason you are resisting is because of a personal preference, why not let go of that preference and let life be in charge.

I’m confident it’s the most powerful thing that you can do.

                                                                                         

One word:  LOVE —  It’s ingrained in my mind and heart and guides my thinking, everyday.

But for some singles, it can feel like a hard word.  Which can actually be good for you, as it can give cause to stop, pause and think, “Love”.  Even when it’s hard and feels almost unattainable like a pie-in-the-sky kind of emotional crutch,  in your world.

Which is why I’m thankful in knowing in no uncertain terms what love looks like.

Here’s what I have learned;

  • Sometimes love looks like waiting,
  • Sometimes love looks like listening,
  • Sometimes love makes us uncomfortable,
  • Sometimes love is exhausting.

And yet LOVE continues toward the purpose it was given.

 

Can you explain LOVE in one sentence ?

 

 

Dating takes resilience.  And the more opportunities you give yourself, the better the chances you’ll find that person.  So maybe its not so surprising and even more encouraging that 90% of the singles I speak to who believe in true love say they know this because they have experienced it.  It’s the strongest emotion we’ll ever feel. So, I set off and researched what professors are saying.  So here you go;

Scientists say that there are three stages of love- lust, romantic obsession, and long-term attachment. 

Stage 1; Let’s start with LUST (who wouldn’t) and that took me to the beach at spring break in Fort Lauderdale….can you relate?

Stage 2; Romantic obsession, or attraction. You’re obsessed, it takes over your whole life, like a state of need, you can’t eat, sleep, or think straight. Sounds like a scene from a movie.  Can’t imagine a world with everyone in that state of romantic obsession. We’d all be nuts.

Stage 3; Which is why, with any luck, romantic obsession becomes Attachment. So, I reconnected with a couple I matched 20 years ago, that was certainly still attached with a combined 4 children, 15 grandchildren, and a couple of great grandchildren.

I came away from this with a renewed sense that true love does really exist. Part of being a matchmaker is, you know, trying to solve the unsolvable. What brings two singles together? What makes people stay together?  I guess there are no real-life answers as there is there is no research on the work that it takes to sustain it over a long period of time. I’m not sure why, maybe because it boring!!!!….like the day in and day out of who’s getting the toilet paper.

 

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I’ve been pondering the comments and conversations I’ve had from my last weeks blog about the changes in dating habits– so many equally different reactions.

For me, I’ve been watching the full range of feedback of things that singles say and the ways they show up – or don’t, on a date for over 2 decades. That may seem inconsequential, but it’s anything but.  I’ve also come not to believe that singles are good because they showed up well, or bad on a date, because they didn’t. We all have differing capabilities and we’re all carrying personal burdens and its not a test or judgement of your quality as a potential partner or your capacity for finding LOVE.

So even if someone you meet on a date that is acting in ways you don’t particularly like, it’s such a relief to think, “they’re doing their best” without attachments to the outcome.  It will come back as grace for yourself when you inevitably make your own missteps.

There is truth to the fact that our best is all we can do.

 

In closing, think of a date from the past that you replay in your mind, good or bad.  Write about what you did, what you learned from it, and whether the knowledge has changed your actions —or how it might— in dating and finding love .

Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a great partner all around. Sometimes one has a clear and realistic understanding of love.  One might not.  One might idealize love as the solution to all of their problems.  One might not.

In today’s culture, many of us idealize love and see it as some lofty cure-all for all life’s problems and as a result we pay a price in the process of finding it. Healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions  and that success hinges on deeper more important values.

When I started working with Single Dad CJ in his 40’s, with his quest for a partner, he not only used his heart, but his mind.  Sure, he wanted to find someone who makes his  heart flutter, but he was able to evaluate his dates values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions and moral compass in general.  His theory if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you ….well, you’re going to have a bad time.  And he was able to think outside of himself and his own needs and to help care for another person and their needs as well.

Were the trade offs worth it?

“Hell yes, I love her to bits, and we are talking long term plans. I really can’t ask for anything more at this point” .  

 

If you have been dating someone new for a while now, and your relationship is getting serious as the holidays approach–so you ask–they agree–you suddenly PANIC!

Meeting the parents is a nerve-wracking experience for everyone, but it also means your relationship is going great!  While you are thrilled to be in love and share the holidays, its normal to feel hesitant thinking about all the family dynamics, quirks and history shared back at home.

Before you go try to remember:

  • Your family will be thrilled to see you and they are likely also just as excited, nervous, and somewhat cautious.
  • If your family members don’t react to your new love the way you had expected, try to cut them some slack.
  • Ease up on expectations, prep your partner and family as much as you can ahead of time and relax into the season with those you love.

 

Do you have a holiday dating experience that you would like to share with us? Go on, then, tell us in the comments section below. 

A lot of singles have difficulty navigating their own conflicting views of dating. And there is this age-old dilemma for our friends/family who have life experiences, know us, and want to use it to help us from making mistakes.  But guess again, most singles see the interventions as intrusive and crossing a boundary usually creating uncertainty, doubt, and a disbelief that this is how things should go.

Matchmakers, along with relationship coaches have altruistic intentions.  Instead of telling our clients how to live their dating life, we help them manage the feedback, and ask them how we can help.  This allows our clients to feel safe in their boundaries and empowered to respectfully accept or reject the offer.  Listening and asking questions is more valuable than telling people what to do.

Just this week I had a couple out on a 2nd date and after a week of disbelief how things actually went, just needed a little acknowledgement that things were in fact going well.  They are now going on date #3.

Simply being there, validating, cheering them on, giving them virtually hugs mean more than an instruction manual.

 

 

Do you have an unsolicited dating experience like this that you would like to share with us? Go on, then, tell us in the comments section below. 

 

 

Too many people see dating as an endgame, in which they must score their goal of finding a partner as fast as possible and getting frustrated in the process.

Have the self-confidence to listen and learn while also having companionship, recreation, and entertainment. Going to dinner, a movie, or even for a walk with a person gives you a window into another person’s view of life, his/her background, and experiences. Too much focus on whether this person is “The One” and how he/she is reacting to you will inevitably keep you single.

Lately, many of the singles I speak to are dating A LOT leaving less than 5% of those dates with any real potential connection and they are more than ready to step up the quality of their dates over the quantity.

Be very choosy.  Love may come, but meanwhile, you can still have a lot of great dates with people who are interesting, fun, or both.

 

 

 

Do you have a dating experience that you would like to share with us? Go on, then, tell us in the comments section below.